A friend on Facebook once posed this question regarding self-defecation:
"Is it possible to shit your pants with a solid poop instead of diarrhea? In other words, does self defecation necessitate the runs?"
In my experience, while more often than not accidents do involve the loosies, it is absolutely possible for a formed turd to cause your woes, or at least it may start out that way. In the end, if you’re pooping in your pants it’s going to get squishy in there, diarrhea or not. Whatever the consistency, it’s never a good time but here are some tips to help get you through:
TAKE PREVENTIVE MEASURES
Obviously, when shitting your pants you’ll want to get yourself into a situation where you can clean up and put the whole event behind you as quickly and discreetly as possible. Taking even the simplest precautions can better prepare you for crapping your pants.
For me, I’ve always been wearing cotton bikini briefs. I just like the way they fit, but they’re also ideal for a patient of IBD, as I find it best to be wearing snug underwear and slightly loose pants when losing my bowels. Tight undies will help contain the mess, which is important when trying to act casual. If your doo-doo does escape the first layer of protection provided by your drawers then loose fitting pants should be your next line of defense because they won’t give you away with big stains (the logic being that the fabric is farther from your skin, whereas if you were wearing spandex everyone could tell from the spreading brown stain that you shat yourself).
Regardless of your attire it is never fun or comfortable to poop yourself (fecal fetishists excluded). You’re probably going to have to run or at least scurry somewhere to take care of the situation and that will just smear the poop all over your butt cheeks, genitals, and maybe even down your legs, and it doesn’t stay warm for long. In addition to considering your wardrobe you should probably take care to have a wetnap on you at all times, and stow a spare pair of pants wherever is convenient. I keep pants and underwear in my desk at work, the LAST place you want to be when shitting your britches!
CHIN UP
Don’t forget, LOTS of people shit themselves, and you’d be surprised how few of them have an excuse like IBD. In fact, I’d dare to say post-infancy human will shit themselves at some point in their lifetime. It’s perfectly natural to feel embarrassed even if you know you shouldn’t, but let that feeling come and go swiftly and don’t beat yourself up when your body fails you. Shit - you guessed it - happens.
KNOW YOUR OPTIONS
Public bathrooms can be a nightmare to find and a horror to use. I find when taking a new job or moving to a new area it’s helpful to survey the local public restrooms and learn which businesses are helpful and which will make you feel like a derelict. At one point in my career my office moved from a half hour commute to an hour and fifteen minutes. My body was very used to pooping once I got to work, a schedule that proved problematic when my timing changed. I soon learned my local restrooms and got in the habit of running into the Manhattan Mall to take a mid-commute shit almost every day. And say what you will about the density of Starbucks locations, having three to choose from on another morning commute route literally saved my ass (well the ass of my pants, really) on more than one occasion. Naturally there may be occasions where you just have to make an unplanned deuce, and in such occasions you’ll have to make like Michael Westen and improvise.
COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS
Not sure what to say? Well, if you’re in one of the thirteen states that recognizes Ally’s Law, you can whip out a MedicAlert bathroom pass, but I imagine even that might be met with skepticism. (Maybe I’m being too jaded - ever since I dressed as Agent Scully for Halloween when I was 13 and was denied candy for being “just a kid in a trench coat” I’ve had a chip on my shoulder about people taking me seriously when flashing a badge.)
I’ve successfully claimed “morning sickness” to use a public bathroom before because I was too exhausted to explain that I had a poop-inducing disease. It’s certainly much easier for people to wrap their heads around. But if you’re feeling ballsy, just be straight and tell them how it is:
"I have colitis. I can poop in your bathroom, or I can poop on your floor."
I feel this retort is especially appropriate at pharmacies without public restrooms, because when your client-base is sick people you damn well better have a bathroom for them.
TRY NOT TO PANIC
I know it’s hard not to stress when you to feel the first tell-tale pangs of imminent self-defecation, but try to breathe. I was stuck on the subway one morning and started to cramp up as I had many times before. I hatched a plan to squat between subway cars (with the hope the doors weren’t locked) and drop my plop on the tracks if need be. But I also began taking deep yogic breaths, expanding and softening my abdomen as I inhaled, and the anxiety soon passed, taking my cramps with it. We all know there’s no surefire way to avoid the pants-pooping that is bound to happen at some point in a lifetime of IBD, but I have learned that minimizing my sense of panic increases my chances of making it to the bathroom.
